My 3 year old entered a serious toddler whining phrase about three months
ago that shows no sign of abating. All mothers with kids this age know
what I mean when I say my teeth grate at the sound of toddler whining as he
asks for something entirely reasonable in an unreasonable age. Sometimes my
toddler whines for something entirely unreasonable in this same unreasonable
way.
It's commonly asserted that toddler whining is about your child needing your
attention, and often toddler whining occurs while I'm sorting the laundry,
cooking dinner, or doing some other chore that takes a lot of attention.
But it also occurs when I'm right there and present so it's not a be-all-end
all reason. (And it’s a nice way to make hard working parents feel guilty
about the time they spend with their kids: well gee your toddler is whining
still? You must be a horrible parent!
Not!) And furthermore it doesn't say what you should do about it. No one
wants a whining toddler to become a whining child, and we all know adults who sound just like whining toddlers.
Here are some steps to stop the whining toddler demons and a mnemonic to
help you remember:
1) Porpoise: take a deep breathe before you plunge in. One of my
favorite parent sources, Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, by Laura
Davis & Janis Keyser, has a great description of toddler whining as
"the hook." A wizened parent who knows to remain calm with a
screaming infant can become unhinged and yell unreasonably at a whining toddler
with phrases like, "You're going to have to learn that you can't always have
what you want!" Or, "Quit whining or I'll give you a time
out!"
Toddler whining is developmentally appropriate. It's a way for them to
communicate desire without tears or yelling. It's a temperate middle
ground for them between all consuming urgency and complete disinterest.
There isn't a lot of subtlety in the toddler emotional range. So get used
it. Take that deep breath. Book mark this page and come back and
browse it when your toddler is whining.
2) Tin ear: become tone deaf to the pitch of toddler whining.
Listen to the content behind the toddler whine. Sometimes the whine is,
"I waaaannt some miiillk!" The irritation in the voice is
not caused by our lack of attentiveness but solely by the rumbly toddler tumbly.
"I want a glass of milk, please" is entirely reasonable and doable:
focus on the content, not the tone.
3) Parrot. Your toddler whines, "I waannnt some miiilllk." Yes, sweetie, you want some milk, but we're trapped here in the car in a 45 minute traffic jam without any more, so you won't be able to have any. That's not going to do you any good. Say instead, "Yes, sweetie wants some milk. Mommy knows, sweetie wants some milk." Keep saying it until your whining toddler calms down. Once your child feels acknowledged in his or her desire, even if it's completely unreasonable, they will often calm down enough to accept an alternative and stop the toddler whine.
Porpoise. Tin Ear. Parrot.
